I am not myself!
Kathy and I attended a day-long Enneagram retreat this past weekend. I've done some workshops and read a lot of books on the subject over the past few years, but this was a first for me! I learned more about myself, Kathy, and the enneagram than I ever thought I would. Here were some of my big surprises:
1. You cannot discover your number by any test. The Enneagram is a process, a journey, a lifetime of exploring your soul. In order for the Enneagram to serve as a tool for spiritual formation, it must be entered into as a process. The Enneagram came to us through the oral tradition so it loses power when it is turned into a paper test. I learned more this weekend because I took a new approach - instead of studying it like a science, I approached it as an organic system - one that demanded a great deal of self-refection and honesty.
2. Your number is not a badge of honor. Before this weekend, I would share my number with anyone who was familiar with the Enneagram. It became something of a Christian astrology pick-up line, "What's your number, baby?" This weekend, I was confronted with my false self, the compulsions and sins under which I live, usually without being aware of it. As a tool of spiritual formation, it demands that I go beyond that false self to realize my true self, how I was created to reflect part of the essence of God. As Richard Rohr expresses it, “Our gift and our sin are two sides of the same coin. To meet your gift, you must, so to speak, chew, eat, and digest your sin. Eat it, taste it, feel it, let yourself be humiliated by it.” (Richard Rohr & Andreas Ebert, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective). I can honestly say that I was humiliated this weekend. I operate with a false view of myself, and I project that to people around me so much that I've started to believe it myself.
3. I'm not a 7. I really wanted to be a 7. Like I said, I've worn my number 7 like a badge! This past weekend, with the help of Kathy, I think I may change my number to a 4. You cannot change your number, but I think I misdiagnosed myself from the very beginning. That's why the Enneagram is a process, not a test. 7's and 4's are very similar (in my opinion) and it's easy to see how one could mistake one for the other. They both love extremes, are bored easily, and like to dream. However, at the very core of a 7 is joy, and they deny themselves pain and sadness. I don't have that kind of joy. I relate more to the 4, whose very core struggle is melancholy. A person who takes things too seriously. A person prone to internalize everything and take things too personally. I am often hurt and struggle with self-doubt. I tend to focus on what is missing, always longing for what is not there. When my false self takes over I withdraw and become self-absorbed - feeling that no one understands me. When I am living in my true self, I am creative, self-aware, intuitive, and sensitive. I love emotional intensity. I love the fact that middle school ministry is misunderstood and unchartered territory (for the most part). I relate to 7's love of new experiences, but for me it's less about the collecting of experiences and more of a search for meaning. I don't do new things just for the thrill, there has to be meaning. That is probably why I develop overly romantic ideas about projects, events, and people only to be crushed when they don't live up to my expectations. A 7 could care less if they don't go as planned, a 4 would be devastated - that's me. A 4 has to move from fantasy to real life in order to find their true self. They have to trust their inner giftedness. They have to trust their own desires and needs. They have to be able to say, "Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe others do understand me and are supporting me. Maybe I am not the only one who feels this way."
"If you're content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself." Luke 18:14 (Msg)
